Just let me do one post.

I’ve never understood why I have the friends that I do. They’re really amazing. And i’ve always known what a cunt I am to these people.
I seem to be forever fucking up yet coming out of it miraculously unscathed with these beautifull friends still around me.
In life i’ve been lucky, really lucky, with everything. It just seems strange that I have them.
I know nobody reads this blog. I’m not really that arsed anymore. It’s probably better that way so I can write down what i’m actually feeling rather than having to hold back to save blushes.
Today I had something I had to do. I knew it would be difficult because this person has been my best best friend for over two years now. After weeks of weighing up wether or not to do it, I just thought I had to get it over and done with. I had it planned, the wording, everything. Hopefully it wouldn’t hurt either of us too much.
And then. I fuck it up. Obviously.
I hurt my best friend in the whole world. I make him feel like shit. Again. This person who has been nothing short of amazing since the day I first meet him, I just….I dunno….I just accidentally treat him like utter shit with one text.
This person. If you are reading this. Tonight i’m going to try and explain to you the best I can how i’ve been feeling, but I know that when you’re sitting there the words i’ve been planning will get lost somewhere and i’ll fail miserably in trying to tell you that I still am your best friend, but just….I just need something different.
You and me both know that in the past few years I haven’t exactly been the model girlfriend, in fact i’ve been shit. You’ve been absolutly amazing and i’ve been shit. That’s probably one of the reasons why tonight is happening. I don’t want to be shit to you anymore.

All day i’ve been fine with this, and I thought i’d handle it tonight, but writing this now I can’t help but cry. I really have just been an utter cunt haven’t I? I’m really sorry. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. If I could go back and tell you not to get involved with me I would do, because you don’t deserve the shit I put you through. But saying that the last few years have been amazing. Every memory I have of being with you makes me so pissed off that i’m not going to be there in the future. But if we don’t part tonight then I know i’m just going to keep fucking up and fucking up, because I will do.

I’m not doing this post for any kind of sympathy, i’m doing it because it’s hard to justify what i’m feeling now. And what I AM cannot be justified. There’s no reason for anyone to treat their loved ones and crappy as I do. There’s just no need for it. I just think it’s better if you just leave now.

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