Secret headfuck

So in the past month the biggest thing has happened in my life so far regarding relationships, friendships, feelings and so on.
For a while it has faded into the background and i’ve steadily been able to forget about it, but the news that I recieved on Friday has brought everything back up to the surface and reminded me that is still happening. Reading about in actual Media has also made it seem a lot more real.
The strangest thing about it is that even though I can talk to a select few people about it, some of the closest people to me have no idea that i’m going through this, or that me and this sitatuion are related.
2007 was a massivly defining year for me as a person. I completly changed and did things out of character that I didn’t think i’d ever do. I was secretive, manipulative, a lot of not very nice things, and this month has been the pinacle of that.

A while ago I was talking to some friends about a big decision I was going to make, I knew that what I was doing was not the safest, or even the best option to take, but I was doing it anyway. Now I can see that everybody else knew I was doing the wrong thing. I kind of wish someone had taken me aside and told me that, but in hindsight I don’t think it would have altered the rose-tinted way I was seeing everything at that time.

I reassured myself, saying that if things went wrong, then it was all just valuable life experience. I didn’t actually realise how wrong things would go. I mean, I knew it wasn’t the best situation, but I didn’t realise how bad it was.

It’s also difficult knowing that it’s my fault. Not my fault that it happened, but my fault that I was so involved.  I had massive doubts about the whole thing yet I still went along with it.

But saying that, i’m still not even as involved in the situation as other people are.
Compaired to them, i’ve gotten off lightly. Although with all the self-torture that’s spinning round my head at the moment it really doesn’t feel like it.

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One Response

  1. Love you loads kiddo x x x x

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