My iPhone

2 weeks ago I woke up and my first thought was “i’m going to buy an iPhone today.”

Obviously, the fact that I am a poorly paid slave worker didn’t cross my mind. The man in Carphone Warehouse put up with me as I barked orders at him, pissed off that I was spending money on something that I really wanted but couldn’t really afford. Man, if you’re out there, i’m sorry. You were quite hot and under different circumstances things could have been better between us.

Anyway.  Here is a list of goods and bads about my shiney ring ring.


  • I have free texts. Well, I say free. I have to pay for the courtesy. Apparently they’re unlimited, but according to the “fair usage policy” the maximum is 3,000. I’m planning to excede this just to piss o2 off.
  • 1. Take picture of dog on the bed
    2. Upload to twitter
    4. Profit!
  • Foursquare. It’s an app where you tag where you are. The more places you go, the more points you get.  The bad side of this is that it tells me how many times i’ve been at work in the past month. Like I wasn’t as depressed by that enough already.
  • I can boast about my amazing phone whilst not mentioning the price.
  • The little vibration as you turn the silent button on. Mmmm.


  • By the time my contract is up, I will have spent the equivalent of my soul.
  • The horn i’ve got as my text sound frightens the dog and makes her run out the room.
  • Fuck you iTunes, FUCK YOU.  I LOVE YOU.
  • Look at that horse! Look at it! I want to take a picture of it! I can’t! It’s too far away and I don’t have a zoom! Wait! I have an app that lets me zoom! Imma use it! No! The zoom is digital! Horse is nothing but pixels! PIXEL HORSE!!
  • It’s an Apple product. But that’s okay. I’ve never said “it just works” or “did you know there are no known viruses?” or “i’m still a virgin”.

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